The complexity of relationships is often severely underestimated, not only leading to misunderstands and distancing, but infidelity as well. Infidelity is caused by several complicated factors, and not all of them involve both members of the relationship. Sometimes, the cause is as simple as one partner’s expectations and needs changing. It’s unrealistic to assume we can go through life without our priorities shifting, but strong communication and guidance from our support systems can go a long way in both preventing and healing from infidelity. 

Cheating isn’t fun for anyone involved (even the cheater) because it devastates any trust in the relationship, making recovery a slow, difficult journey. But healing is possible, even common, and with a few helpful tips, you can start this journey to recovery on your own until you find the help you need through a dedicated counselor.

If you are the partner who was hurt by infidelity…

• Have a solid self-care plan. In this most trying time of your life, you need to be your number one priority. Sustaining your mental and physical health are key in finding solace and hope for the future.

• Don’t ask your partner for account information such as email or social media login credentials. This feeds paranoia and leads to destructive habits that will exacerbate the issues of trust and despair. Instead, communicate with your partner directly.

• Only ask questions if you can handle the answers. If you feel you might not be ready to hear the answers to your own questions, save yourself the energy and focus on more productive coping outlets, such as conversations with your support systems, favored hobbies, or creative coping mechanisms like art or reading.

If you are the partner who engaged in infidelity...

• Don’t say that you are sorry unless it is genuine. Apologizing has no significance if you are simply doing it because it’s the “right thing to do”.

• Be open to sharing the details if asked. If you don’t want to share details, it’s okay to say, “I don’t want to share the details.” However, you must be ready to deal with whatever aftermath follows. 

• Listen to the hurt partner’s pain and questions, and answer their questions, even if you don’t want to. At the end of the day, your rights are limited due to your decision. Patience is key here, as you will need to be able to truly hear and understand the pain of your partner in order to move forward with respect.

Keep in mind that these are just the first steps toward healing. Time, open communication, are honesty the biggest players in the game of healing from an affair. When an affair in a relationship has become apparent, it’s common to feel alone and helpless no matter what side you are on, so it’s important to seek the support of friends and family, as long as those friends and family don’t get reactive and further victimize you or try to villainize the betrayer. An unbiased party, such as a counselor, can often be the most trustworthy source to help you navigate a way forward without a lifetime of fear or distrust.

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