It's normal for couples to get into arguments, to express differences in opinion, and, you guessed it, fight with each other. Keep in mind, we're not talking about physical fights. If physical abuse is taking place in your relationship, you should seek a safe space with someone you trust and contact law enforcement. The type of fighting we are talking about here is verbal disagreement, and while that may come with raised voices and heated discussion, there should never be physical confrontation involved. And when this type of fighting does take place, it's important to know how to fight productively.

Think of yourself and your partner as boxers. You both know a fight is coming up, you're about to enter the ring, but first you have to know the rules so that the arguments can be productive, on topic, and ultimately, help the relationship be stronger and sustainable. With a little bit of extra thought to your approach, fair fighting can actually be helpful for your relationship, allowing you to move past deep-seated issues that you may not have been brave enough to acknowledge with your partner. In other cases, it helps us better understand our partner and their motivations.

A few tips to try...

1. Be honest with yourself. Sometimes we have to take a step back to really get some perspective on what we are actually upset about. It’s impossible to fight productively if we refuse to acknowledge or don’t fully understand why and what it is we are fighting to begin with.

2. Be open and flexible to what your partner is saying. Stonewalling, or refusing to listen and have a proper conversation, is one of the biggest threats to productive and fair fighting. By working to understand our partner’s viewpoint, we aren’t automatically conceding our own. If you need to walk away from the conversation to regroup, that is okay. But be willing to come back to talk about your perspective and listen to your partner’s. The focus is not to figure out who’s right and wrong. The focus is how we can work together collaboratively to come up with the more sensible plan for the situation to help the relationship move forward. 

3. Stay aware of the issue. If the arguments always seem to center on money, then there is no need to fight about whether or not to go for a night on the town. The discussion needs to be focused on the root of the disagreement, and sometimes it takes time to figure out what that may be. 

4. Don’t make it personal. That means no name-calling, no degrading language, and no grudge-holding. Respect is key to overcoming any issue in a relationship, and as soon as that respect is gone, the fighting is no longer productive. You have to be able to stay on top of your own reactivity level so you can manage your own emotions in order to properly respond to the situation.

5. Serve your relationship instead of just yourself. Strong relationships strike a good balance between an individual’s needs and the needs of the relationship as a whole. It’s not just about what one partner wants. It’s about what is best for the relationship. Both partners must be willing to concede for the sake of the relationship.

For more relationships advice and information on relationship therapy services, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You can also check out our new YouTube channel, our Facebook Group, or our Facebook Live events, where YY Wei will be answering questions from people like you!