In American society, the topic of race is charged with hundreds of years of prejudice, violence, and systemic inequality. Even today, people of color face injustice at every stage of life, including marriage and relationships. For many people just starting out in an interracial relationship, it can easy to focus on your partner and the joy you bring each other. But the sad reality is that both partners are at risk of feeling racism’s sting, and while couples counseling can offer guidance throughout your life together, it’s up to you and your partner to build trust and support each other in the face of widespread racism.

3 Tips for Making Your Relationship a Safe Space

1. Don’t minimize your partner’s experiences. Racism impacts everyone differently.

2. Be vocal with your encouragement, and set time aside to talk openly and honestly without risk of judgement.

3. Be curious and strive for life-long learning. Let your partner know that you want to understand them, even if you can’t always relate with their experiences.

Acknowledging & Appreciating Your Differences

As with all relationships, talking through differences in perspective, culture, expectations, and needs can help you and your partner better understand the intricacies of your interracial relationship. While differences like the color of skin may seem obvious, society’s impact on minority communities requires acknowledgement to move forward and build trust.

Address privilege and prejudice early and often. Trust that your partner has your best interest at heart even if they struggle to understand, or describe, what it means to be discriminated against. Also, remember that your differences go deeper than your skin. Seek out what makes your partner unique. Talk to them about their experiences throughout life, about their experience with race and relationships, and about their hopes, desires, and expectations for their relationship with you. This is good advice for all couples, but it’s especially important to understand the influences felt by both partners in an interracial relationships.

Tackling Racism...

• From Others: Racism is still prevalent in America and ingrained in many of our systems, redefining and limiting how many people see race and interact with people of color. Talk with your partner about how you would like to address racism from others, whether that includes calmly and directly addressing it in the moment or ignoring it and walking away. Check in with each other after experiencing racism from strangers, however subtle the aggression may seem.

• From Family: The opinions of family matter more to some than they do to others. This is why it’s important to communicate with your partner about prejudice that may exist on either side and how you plan to tackle such issues as a team. If your family members express dislike of your partner based solely on their race, it may become important to avoid those family members and shield your partner from whatever abuse they might face. Remember that there is no such thing as taking sides when it comes to racism, and never shrug off or minimize how even the slightest racist comment might affect your partner.

• From Your Partner: Don’t assume that just because your partner loves you that they haven’t been indoctrinated into a society that teaches racism. They may very well hold unconscious prejudices that manifest throughout your relationship. Address these moments as soon as they come up. Talk about what exactly was offensive and how the offender should strive to do better. These are teaching opportunities that not only help us unlearn our prejudices, but they help us learn more about our partner, their boundaries, and their needs.

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