Valentine’s Day may have passed, but love is still in the air. And it has us thinking about what love truly is. However, there may never be a firm and fast answer that fits everyone’s perception. Not only does the definition of love evolve over time, but every human being understands and defines love differently. That’s why it’s important for couples to talk about what love looks like to them and how they most effectively experience it.

Defining Love In Your Relationship

The first step toward defining love in your relationship is determining what it means to you as an individual. What exactly does love look and feel like to you? What makes you want to say the words “I love you” to someone? We all perceive and communicate love differently. Getting to know how you best receive and interpret love can help your partner better communicate their love for you and vice versa.

The Triangular Love Theory

One interesting theory on love came from Robert Sternberg, Professor of Human Development at Cornell University, who proposed that love has three main components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Many casual relationships work with just two of these aspects, and in some cases, just one. But when it comes to what we consider love, chances are good you’re thinking of all three.

• Passion: Often a mix of physical, emotional, and sexual attraction, passion is the ingredient that gets and keeps us interested in someone for the long term. It’s what makes us excited to be around our partner and thinking about them throughout the day.

• Intimacy: Essential to any loving relationship, intimacy stems from feelings of trust and comfort. You likely feel intimacy most fully in those slow, quiet moments of deep conversation and closeness.

• Commitment: A joint consideration of security and faithfulness, commitment can be shown in several different forms, from a simple promise of exclusivity to a marriage proposal.

Exploring Love Languages

Another popular take on love comes from Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, which details the five ways in which people most commonly understand and receive love. While some people feel love from words of affirmation or quality time, others feel it more when they are physically touched, given an act of service, or even when they receive gifts. The love languages are a great stepping stone for more intentional conversations about what we need from our partner in order to feel secure, happy, and ultimately, loved.

Defining love in your relationship is an important step in strengthening the bond between you and your partner. It provides clarity of your feelings and reassurance for both partners. If you struggle with this sort of communication, talking to a couples counselor can help you articulate your feelings more succinctly and accurately.

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