Relationships are never perfect. After all, they are made up of two unique human beings with differing wants and needs. Disputes are so common in relationships, we sometimes say that it’s healthy to fight with our partner. However, it’s not the conflict that determines the health of the relationship, more likely it’s how that conflict is resolved and how each member of the relationship feels after disagreements break out. But it can be difficult to regulate our emotions, validate our partner, and ultimately patch things up.

Getting to the Root of the Issue

Most arguments and upsets in relationships come from unresolved hurt. Sometimes, because we ourselves are hurt either from a recent event or a long-standing trauma, we can find ourselves bringing that hurt to our relationships without intending to. This doesn’t excuse our actions, or the fact that we may have caused harm to our partner or ourselves. It does, however, give us and our partners the opportunity to dig deeper into what may have been a trigger and how we can better communicate more intentionally moving forward.

Tips for Reconnecting

There are a variety of ways to reconnect with your partner, and you can use them to reconnect even when there hasn’t been an argument. There are lots of things in life that separate us and make us feel distant from our partners. But by employing some of these tactics, we can begin to reconnect more intentionally with our partners when we need them most.

1. Do an activity where your focus is on each other. This can be as complex as chess or as simple as a conversation cuddling on the couch. The goal is to refamiliarize yourself with your partner and update the info you have about them in your head. Remember, there has been some distance, and chances are good that your partner has grown in that time. You’ve grown too! So taking the time to see and hear your partner ensures you both have an opportunity to fill the other in on what has been going on in your heart and head.

2. Engage in physical touch, and don’t put pressure on having sex. When our partner has been away from us for one reason or another, physical reconnection can help nurture feelings of safety and familiarity. Be sure to hug your partner when you finish an argument or when they come in the door after a business trip. Spend some time holding hands on a walk or cuddle up together on the couch. Remember that physical touch doesn’t always mean sex, and while some times amazing makeup sex is on the menu, sometimes it takes time to rekindle those feelings after there has been distance.

3. Speak words of encouragement and reassurance. Whether your partner is feeling secure or not, reassuring your partner helps to build trust and ease anxiety. However, it can be especially useful as a means of reconnecting with your partner. Making your partner feel desirable and safe in their relationship is not only good for the health of your relationship, but it’s good for your partner’s mental health as well.

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