May is masturbation month, and there’s no better time to think about erotic self care. There is so much going on in life that has us feeling tight-fisted and anxious, but taking the time to loosen your muscles and your expectations can go a long way in keeping you sane and healthy during this trying time. 

Self care means identifying those things that have been weighing us down mentally and emotionally and taking steps toward alleviating those burdens. Erotic self care is no different. Our mental and emotional state affects our physical bodies in a variety of ways, and too often, those internal burdens close us off sexually, causing tension in our relationships that we assume only couples counseling can fix. While it’s true that sex therapy and relationship therapy are valuable tools for many couples, we can actually begin to open up and unwind our relational tensions with self care, and erotic self care is one of the best ways to align your body and mind and overcome struggles you are having as an individual or as a couple.

So, what is it?

Erotic self care is the practice of prioritizing, honoring, and ultimately, accepting your intimate areas as fully as you do the rest of your body. It is a physical practice, but it is also a mental and emotional practice. It’s about finding and nurturing your sexual self beneath the layers of embarrassment, shame, or trauma that may have been put on you by your past, society, or your partner. Erotic self care is about seeking sexual well-being, and often, the goal is acceptance.

Erotic self care is not always comfortable and pleasurable. It doesn’t even have to be sexual. It’s about loosening up our self control and letting ourselves be. That could mean allowing ourselves to hear our own critical voices and still being compassionate with ourselves. It could also be allowing our mind to go wild with our fantasies and not shut them down due to what society considers as “normal” or “okay”. Erotic self care is about ownership - YOU owning everything that’s yours regardless of what society, culture, your parents, or your partner has to say about it. Erotic self care means you are in charge of your eroticism.  You challenge yourself to be open, to be curious, to be silly, to be vulnerable, to be receptive and responsive. 

Setting Your Sights on Acceptance (As A Starter)

Everyone has their own goals when it comes to self care, and it’s okay if your goal is more specific or completely different. But if you’re new to erotic self care, one goal to work toward is simply acceptance of your whole self, including your genitals, your libido, and your sexuality. This can help build confidence and foster self-worth. When acceptance is the goal, erotic self care takes on new meaning. But staying mindful is the key to successful erotic self care no matter what your goal may be.

3 Tips for Getting Started

1. Get Naked! - It may sound obvious, but finding space and time to take off all your clothes and get to know your most intimate areas is vitally important to succeeding on your journey of self care. Stretch out in bed, do some deep breathing, or dance out all the pent up energy, frustration, and anxiety you’ve been holding onto.

2. Pleasure Mapping - As you explore your body, take mental note of what turns on you and what turns you off, but also how you turn yourself on and off. Identify the thoughts that spark butterflies and those that cause tension in your body. Be mindful of the physical sensations that come with a specific movement or touch. Determine what excites you on a mental and emotional level as well as on a physical level. Keep in mind, changing something as simple as pressure or speed of movement can make a difference in the kind of pleasure you experience. This is a practice in learning about yourself and coming to terms with what you find out.

3. Make a Date with Your Genitals - Use all your senses to fully take in your genitals. Too often, we are conditioned to think about our genitals as “private”. For some people, genitals might only get a chance to breathe before and after showers. But part of caring for your full self is being with your full self, and that includes your genitals. There may not be conversation, but spending time to get to know your vulva or penis can help you better understand yourself and the way you want them to be treated in the bedroom.

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