I Need Deeper Intimacy. But How?

Need intimacy in your relationship? 

• Want deeper connection?
• Tired of distance and avoidance?
• Tired of a sexless and passionless relationship?

True intimacy is multifaceted and multileveled – emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, energetic level, etc. The more you are connected to all these levels and the more these levels are connected with each other, the more deeply you and your partner will feel about each other. Hence, deepen the connection and the intimacy in the relationship. We need intimacy to feel closed and connected in our relationship.

Some people feel embarrassed to admit that they need intimacy or their relationships need intimacy. No one wants to be that vulnerable. No one wants to admit that their relationships have not been doing too well and the intimacy level has been low.

Well, guess what - it is human nature to need intimacy! It is a natural progression of any relationship to not always do so well.  Intimacy level requires learning, practicing, and exploring with different skill sets and strategies.

What can you do If you think your relationship needs intimacy?

1. Accept and show up as your complete self.
2. Intimacy requires you to be naked in front of your partner with or without your clothes on. (Clothes are cumbersome anyway.) That means you have to hold on to yourself and being you – the good and the self – perceived bad and flaws.
3. When you can show up as who you truly are with courage and respect, that will help your partner being more comfortable and more vulnerable too. Someone has to take the first scary step in a relationship. Otherwise, we will all be stuck. In conclusion, what you have tried to hide from your partner might be the key to the next level of your relationship.
4. When you have the courage to show up as who you are, you are also healing different parts of you and become more complete and whole. Our partners cannot complete us since they are not us. We can complete ourselves and our partners can enhance us, which will strengthen the relational bond. Rather than waiting for your hopes to come true based on  your partner's responses, you can take the steps to move forward.
5. Pay attention to your thoughts and emotions
   1. Notice the thoughts and emotions you have before, during and after your encounter and interaction with your loved one.
   2. Were your thoughts racing? Can you clearly identify those thoughts but not label them as good vs. bad or negative vs. positive? Can you just simply notice them and let them flow by like cloud so they do not distract you from being present?
   3. What emotions are coming up for you? And can you feel them in your body, which will require you to be in touch with your interoceptive sensory system. (I will explain more of this sensory system in my blog, “Ways to Build and Deepen Intimacy (Part II).”)
   4. Be respectful of your own thoughts and emotion.

More Ideas to Enhance Needed Intimacy in Your Relationship:

Use your five traditional exteroceptive senses to stay present and be present

1. Sight – What do you see in front of you when you are with your partner – their hair color, their skin tone, their sexy jeans, their gentle but firm hands that can drive you wild, their gaze, etc.? Do you pay attention to what is in front of you? Are you guys having eye contact and hold the gaze so you can see yourself and each other? Does your partner really get to see you and your deepest thirst and desire? Maybe you have masked yourself from your loved ones.
2. Hearing – What do you hear when you are close to your partner – tummy growling, the speed, the tempo, the frequency of their breaths, the wind around the two of you, the traffic noises, the crying baby, your own heart beat and breaths, etc.? Can you hear your own urge inside of you? What do you hear?
3. Taste – What do you taste in your mouth when you are with your loved one – lunch, dinner, saltiness, sweetness, soda/pop? Can you taste the nervousness in you? Can you use your imagination to remember the time you guys kiss and bring that taste back? It is amazing what our right brain, which is the creative side of our brain can do if you use your imagination and creativity.
4. Smell – What do you smell when you are next to your partner – their body smell, laundry detergent, cologne/perfume, dinner, flowers, chocolate, etc.? Can you smell your own desire for your partner? How about your partner’s hunger for you? Can you smell your own body’s lust and desire?
5. Touch – What do you feel when you reach out and touch your partner? How does it feel when you touch yourself and/or touch each other? How do you touch yourself? What kind of touch do you like – gentle, rough, firm, hard, light? How about pressure - do you like when you are being touch – deep tissue massage style, Thai massage style, Swedish massage style, Aromatherapy massage style, etc.? What makes you jump? giggle? relax and turn on at the same time? What makes your juice flowing? Share those wonderful, juicy, delicious nuances with each other.

I will share more tips around deepening intimacy in your relationship on my next blog. I don’t want to overload you with information as intimacy requires concrete practice of skills just like relationship. Therefore, if you think your relationship needs intimacy, go practice the above skills and see what happen! Remember, the goal is not to get to the Big “O” or have the deepest connection overnight or over a minute. The goal is to have fun, to be playful and be present with yourself and/or your partner.

Does your relationship need more intimacy? 

I'm here to offer help and practical skills so you can get what's been missing.

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