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Building Independence for a Healthier Relationship

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Slowly but surely, we’re all emerging from quarantine and reconnecting with those outside of our immediate circle. Coming out of a pandemic, where we spent the majority of our time indoors with our partner, it’s more important than ever to remember the value of independence in sustaining a healthy relationship. 

There is nothing wrong with relying on your partner for support, be it during especially stressful times in your life or simply as a source of comfort at the end of the day. But establishing and maintaining independence and individuality promotes mental health and builds healthy balance in the relationship. Navigating and overcoming codependency can be scary, but it can also be liberating and help you better understand your own needs and desires.

Independence VS Codependence

It’s surprisingly easy to get caught in a mental trap regarding your own independence. When so much of our lives are combined with someone else’s, we naturally start thinking as a pair rather than an individual. And that can be good! It’s important to consider our partners and be cognizant of the areas of our lives that are intertwined. But it can also lead to an unhealthy reliance on our partner that results in compounded emotional turmoil. Our brains get rewired into this mindset that our needs are only important if they don’t affect our partner, and at times, it may even feel like our partner’s needs are more important than our own. This is a slippery slope that can be curbed by practicing independence and regularly reminding ourselves that our needs are just as important as our partner’s.

Practicing Independence

It looks different to everyone, but practicing independence can be as simple as thinking about your own core values or learning how to love yourself. Here are a few ways to practice healthy independence while in a romantic relationship:

practicing independence

  • Strive to be your authentic self: Reflect on your own wants and needs without the limitation of what you might consider selfish. It’s okay to be a little selfish. Being honest with yourself about your desires and expectations is the first step to voicing them with your partner and thus taking a new step toward independence.

  • Do things without your partner: Take up a new hobby that makes you happy. Hang out with friends without your partner. Grab a cup of coffee or a movie by yourself. Take the time to experience who you are while you’re away from your partner.

  • Learn to regulate your emotions: For some couples, one upset partner inevitably leads to both partners becoming upset at an issue. It’s easy to forget that just because our partner is upset by something, that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to match or compete with that emotion. Practice listening to and understanding your partner’s perspective without taking responsibility for their emotions, but always taking responsibility for your actions (if applicable). While it’s important to be empathetic with your partner, regulating your own emotions can actually put you in a position to help them come out of their upset or at least better support them as they go through it. 

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