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Desire Discrepancy: Living with it & Talking About It

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Let’s face it. For most couples, a healthy sex life is often indicative of a healthy relationship. But a lack of sex or asynchronous sex drives don’t have to be the end of a relationship that is otherwise functioning well. Desire discrepancy between partners is normal, but if it’s causing conflict or resent in your relationship, it’s important to address it.

Talking About It

Starting a dialogue about desire discrepancy is as easy as scheduling a time to sit down and have candid, honest communication with your partner. If that’s a burden to either partner, there are more significant problems in the relationship that need to be addressed by a couples counselor. If both partners approach the conversation with respect and a willingness to understand and push themselves out of their comfort zone, there is a much greater chance that both parties will be happy with the outcome and be more willing to extend flexibility to the other. It’s also important to stay open during these exchanges. Partners don’t have to agree to everything. They just have to stay open and curious and push themselves to try new things. 

Start with a series of questions about desire: What spurs intimate feelings? How does each person want to be approached for sexual intimacy? Are things being done that are causing negative feelings? What does the ideal sexual scenario look like for each partner? These questions can open doors that one or both partners didn’t know even existed, and they can lead the conversation toward a solution without the intervention of a relationship therapist. But keep in mind, not all partners find a solution right away, and sometimes it takes work to find what’s right for both partners.

Living With It

There are several things to try when it comes to living with desire discrepancy, and sometimes you need to do more than talk about it in order to overcome the hardships it can have on your relationship. Exploring new horizons in the sexual aspects of your relationship can often spur excitement where there no longer is any. Perspective is everything, so both partners need to work to ensure that the other is feeling heard and understood. But equally important is the need to stay vocal and honest about one’s desires without backing down. Both partners have valid needs and feelings, and it’s important to acknowledge this as you move toward a solution.

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Remember….

  • Everyone needs to be approached differently. What builds intimate feelings for one may be a turn off for someone else.

  • Experimentation in the bedroom should always be a conversation before it’s put into practice.

  • Not everyone knows their own sexual interests and fantasies, but talking is always the safest way to find out.

  • Finding rhythm is key, but build up is important too.

  • Sex has health benefits for both partners, including reduced risk of of prostate cancer in men and better bladder control in women. 


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